The Coping Domain: Self-worth
By Dr. Deb Majewski, EdD, LCPC
Hi! Welcome back to The Zen Life.
In this issue we’ll continue our discussion of the third domain of wellness called the coping domain. This domain has four parts; leisure, stress-management, self-worth, and realistic beliefs. We’ll continue with self-worth which is about your sense of value and identity.
Having a sense of personal value, identity, and imposter syndrome are the primary topics to examine when considering your sense of self-worth. This is a very common problem area for people who seek counseling. Having a poor sense of self-worth can have negative effects in your life.
Your sense of personal value and identity typically stems from early interactions with caregivers. If your primary caregiver(s) are emotionally available and create strong bonds with you before the age of about five, you are much more likely to form a positive sense of self-worth. This happens because as children we determine our worthiness based on how important we feel we are to our caregivers.
Sometimes however, caregivers are unable or unwilling to form strong bonds with their child or fail to communicate the value of the child to them. This happens for a variety of reasons including how the caregiver was raised, substance abuse, domestic violence in the home and so on.
Low self-worth can cause challenges in functioning that stem from self-doubt, negative thinking, and feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and anger. All of these conditions can cause problems in relating to others as well as your ability to stand up for yourself. You may also be experiencing problems with motivation, physical and mental health.
Doubting yourself or feeling like you are “not good enough” can feed beliefs that you don’t deserve what you accomplish can lead to imposter’s syndrome. This is a worry that your perceived lack of competence will be unveiled, and you will be labeled a fraud. This can also cause a tendency toward perfectionism and attempts to overachieve to make up for what you believe are your deficits.
To combat this, talking to a counselor can be very helpful as you will experience yourself from another’s perspective. Providing self-care in this area can alleviate some of these feelings of not being valuable. I will ask my clients who struggle with this to make a list of qualities and characteristics that they currently possess. Many clients struggle with this activity as they are not used to considering what is positive and affirming about themselves. I ask them to consider if they are kind or loving. Most say yes and I have them add those qualities to the list. They are certainly courageous for being willing to look at these feelings and work toward changing them. Add it to the list! Sometimes it helps to ask them what their loved ones would add to their list. It’s sometimes easier to feel positive about ourselves if it comes from someone else.
Once you have the list, carry it around with you to pull it out when you feel unworthy to remind yourself of who you are (and how awesome you are). I am also a fan of affirmations. I would look at the list and say to myself “I am courageous” and “I am capable.” By saying this over and over, it is possible to alter your thoughts and cope more effectively with situations where you tend to feel uncomfortable. There are also tons of articles online that have great suggestions to help you increase your confidence and sense of self-worth. You deserve to feel great about yourself!!